let your mind wonder my way

uneasy dream

2012-01-28T12:51:00.000-08:00

I had a dream just now that i can remember a part of. the beginning is too crazy and changing, but then i was leaving derrick's bedroom with him ahead of me going to get food. i looked at my teeth in the living room mirror and saw that my teeth were mostly white, but at the top there was brown "tartar" looking stuff that i could scrap off easy. i figured i ate something chocolaty and it dried there. then i felt bad cause i thought if derrick saw it he'd be grossed out. so i go brush my teeth then see i have a bigger gap between my front two teeth. i look and see a bit of blood on the gum line of one of the teeth and figured i loosened it. when i try moving it back, a pink root thing caught my eye. when i looked more i saw that it was my tooth root but long and very numerous. then i woke up.

i looked up the meanings and saw the bit of white i saw on my teeth foretells that pleasant occupations and much happiness will be experienced. cleaning my teeth showed that some great struggle will be demanded of you in order to preserve your fortune. the loose tooth afterward means there will be failures and gloomy tidings. finally, the roots showing means someone will experience an injury or that i should sacrifice false hopes and incorrect expectations.

since i was thinking about derrick throughout the dream and worrying about him seeing, i wonder if all these bad fortunes are meant to apply to him, or are misfortunes that apply to our relationship. however, since i can't really believe too much into the dictionary, i wonder if i had this dream due to the fact that derrick and i talked about a girls hygiene and whether or not all girls smell like fish or not. and since i always wonder if he tells me the truth when saying i smell good and not like fish and taste good even at the end of the day before i get to shower, maybe the fear of my teeth was the fear of whether or not i do taste good to him and i don't smell weird.

i'm starting to believe karma...or at least the boomerang effect

2011-11-21T08:38:00.000-08:00

the cruel girl has taken a bad turn in her happy life. i'd say about a month ago, she and her b/f broke up. they haven't gotten back together, and she's been staying in friends' places since. i've waited this long to actually laugh about it just in case she was crying wolf again or if it was just an angry impulse and they'd get together again shortly. derrick made me smile so much when he told her she should joke with people twice on the same subject and she was forced to say it was real this time. he's too nice, though, and added her to his fb. i know it doesn't really matter, but i don't want it to get to her head and let her start thinking she can hang all over him again. it just feels really good to see that she got stung for her attitude about things. i like the boomerang effect.^^

i'll tell him later

2011-08-30T18:09:00.000-07:00

when we were first together, it was so perfect that it felt like we had been together for a long time. i got more out of our relationship in 2 months than i did from any friendship or past relationship. now, one year later, it feels so perfect that it seems we've only been together for a short time. i may hold many regrets for many of my decisions, but i know for sure that choosing to be with you when everyone else disagreed will never hold regret. the people who chose to hate me because i saw myself being happy with you, i believe, were only jealous of the happiness they saw we could acheive that they could never hope to have. the people who thought i only chose you because you were simply there didn't see what you did for me when i needed help and support. they don't understand how love can work, how deep of a connection with someone you can receive in a short amount of time if you let them in and understand. you are the only person who could bring me up or down, because in my eyes, you are the only one who has a right to tell me what i'm worth. you made it your buisness if i was really ok or not and wouldn't stop until you found out the truth. you believed in me and tried to help me when others watched or told me i wasn't worth it. you were the first person who looked at me and said i deserved better. you were the first person to tell me i needed to escape. you are the most honorable man i've ever seen or heard of no matter what anyone else thinks. you wouldn't give up until i was truly ok, and for that, i award you with my open mind and open heart. i look forward to another perfect year of sharing long gazes into each others eyes, conversations only we could fully understand, and giggling at how cute we find each other for any possible reason. i love you for everything you are and everything you do. you are my light of the day and my warm blanket at night. i never want to be without you for a second. lets have fun this year and melt into each others' very being of existance, forgetting about what worries us. i love you.<3

fb fl

2011-07-22T22:26:00.000-07:00

so every time i turned around someone was adding me. then i saw the fl number go down by 3 people. then people added me more, then it went straight back down. up. down. up. now down 1. this was chad lee this time. that's amber's b/f. that's the chick who blew up over nothing and called me fake.. i guess she finally bugged him to unfriend me. what's going on with people these days? you'e either my friend or not. i'm making it easy to be my friend, you just have to say hey once or twice a year. i guess this is why grown ups don't have many friends. too many people being too weird. some times i even think going to my first convention was a pure mistake.

cont. talk

2011-07-07T20:21:00.001-07:00

kitty meemeekoe 8:19 pm
i'm back:D

haigerda 8:28 pm
cool~~~~
you know Aein is coming down here Sat?

kitty meemeekoe 8:28 pm
oh yay:D

haigerda 8:31 pm
yeah, we'll have to figure out what to do from there

kitty meemeekoe 8:31 pm
is it for the funeral? i'm sure it'll be good for you 2 to hang out
oh i see^^

haigerda 8:32 pm
yeah, mostly for the funeral and Heather's family
I'll be taking Aein to the last places she's been to

kitty meemeekoe 8:33 pm
that's nice

haigerda 8:34 pm
mmmm, I rather explain how happy she was to her in person

kitty meemeekoe 8:35 pm
i'm sure as heather's friend, she already knew how happy she was with you^^

haigerda 8:35 pm
hmmm that's true
yeah, I don't really know what to do

kitty meemeekoe 8:36 pm
its ok^^
i think bringing her to those places will be both fun and healing^^

haigerda 8:37 pm
I think so too
it's just, she was such a one of a kind person

kitty meemeekoe 8:38 pm
everyone is a one f a kind:D but she was YOUR one of a kind^^

haigerda 8:38 pm
she'll get so attach to my speech and grammer

kitty meemeekoe 8:38 pm
lol

haigerda 8:38 pm
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150238404001087&set=a.10150237837946087.327232.702826086&type=1&theater
jokes like these
we'd only get

kitty meemeekoe 8:40 pm
lol^^
i see

haigerda 8:42 pm
stupid autocorrect created that joke
I thought assess was literally

haigerda 8:42 pm
a bunch of butts

kitty meemeekoe 8:43 pm
i got that:D
silly boy

haigerda 8:43 pm
:(
she'll tease me about it

kitty meemeekoe 8:44 pm
heheh^^

haigerda 8:44 pm
man

haigerda 8:44 pm
this was one of my favorite jokes
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2021988021914&set=a.1886239148277.106115.1010349313&type=1&theater
we were at Barnes and Noble

haigerda (HAIGER DA) is offline 8:45 pm
On Android with IM+ 4s ago
IMs are delivered when the buddy signs in. Send haigerda (HAIGER DA) a text message

haigerda 8:45 pm
wondering if we'll run into weeaboos in the manga section
we didn't but I saw a cover to a manga from one of her msn icons
she just flipped through the pages and I saw this page
it didn't make sense
I just thought A BEAR

kitty meemeekoe 8:46 pm
lol, goofballXD oh, do you want to see derrick's latest "battle scar"?^^

haigerda 8:46 pm
we accidentally skipped it and spent 15 mins trying to find that bear
page

kitty meemeekoe 8:47 pm
lolXD
all for a bear

haigerda 8:47 pm
YES
A BEAT
BEAR

kitty meemeekoe 8:47 pm
XD

haigerda 8:47 pm
we see a bear
we'll just yell it out

kitty meemeekoe 8:47 pm
nice^^

haigerda 8:48 pm
anyways, yeah, I'll check out this battle damage

kitty meemeekoe 8:48 pm
right after surgery: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1851263237701&set=a.1524072378134.2067556.1124361204&type=1&theater

haigerda 8:48 pm
content unavailiable

kitty meemeekoe 8:49 pm
awD:
i'd have to send it on here^^

haigerda 8:51 pm
it's all good
which ever works with you really

haigerda (HAIGER DA) is offline 8:51 pm
IMs are delivered when the buddy signs in. Send haigerda (HAIGER DA) a text message

kitty meemeekoe 8:52 pm
only thing is it says i can't cause youre offline^^;

haigerda (HAIGER DA) is available 8:52 pm

haigerda 8:52 pm
ugh, sorry, IM+ bugs out on me

kitty meemeekoe 8:52 pm
oooh^^

haigerda 8:52 pm
it keeps doing that when I log off IM+

kitty meemeekoe 8:52 pm

haigerda 8:53 pm
ouch
what was this surgery for?

kitty meemeekoe 8:53 pm
yay^^ the 2nd is after the stiches were taken out and we got the bleeding to stop:D
appendix
but b/c he didn't let me bring him to the hospital right away
the toxic bacteria and infection spread so much that it took and extra 45 min. to clean it all out
and the cut had to be far bigger and right down the middle

haigerda 8:55 pm
man, at the very least it didn't get any worse then that
I read about people who didn't make it in time
and appendix blew up

kitty meemeekoe 8:55 pm
he literally almost died by the time they got him into surgery^^;
yeah:O
if it was 30 years ago, they wouldn't have been able to do anything for him b/c of it bursting

haigerda 8:57 pm
must be grateful that was over with

kitty meemeekoe 8:58 pm
i'm grateful very much he made it, but now i fuss at him every other day that he almost died and next time he needs to listen to me>:o
it makes 3 weeks ago today^^

haigerda 8:59 pm
hahaha

kitty meemeekoe 8:59 pm
so hai, if your tummy hurts really bad, promise you won't wait it out and just go to the doctor!><

haigerda 9:00 pm
I'll keep it in mind
usually I get upset stomachs from staying up late
my body is rather weird when it does that

kitty meemeekoe 9:01 pm
watch out, cause your intestines can also cause bad tummy aches from malnutrition:D
please eat your veggies^^

haigerda 9:01 pm
oh yeah, actually
since I've dated Heather at the time
all I have been doing is water and salads

kitty meemeekoe 9:02 pm
that's good^^
is there spinach in it?^^ that'd be the best
cause you get healthy protein:D

haigerda 9:03 pm
yeah, some salads I eat
spinach shrimp salad

kitty meemeekoe 9:03 pm
yum<3

haigerda 9:05 pm
yeah, I'm looking better to say the least
have you seen my newest profile picture?

kitty meemeekoe 9:05 pm
no, i'll check it now^^
lolXD

haigerda 9:06 pm
one of litereally
the only picture of me where I look serious

kitty meemeekoe 9:06 pm
the shadow on your face is right at the cheek bone and makes it looked caved inXD

haigerda 9:06 pm
it's funny how Heather likes how I look like that the most
oh yeah, I wasn't too happy about that

kitty meemeekoe 9:06 pm
aw^^

haigerda 9:06 pm
but Heather loved it so, I'm ok with it
the photo that is

kitty meemeekoe 9:07 pm
did that beer belly you were getting go away?^^
yeah it does look good^^

haigerda 9:07 pm
yeah, I went back to jogging once a week
2 miles every Sat morning

kitty meemeekoe 9:07 pm
that's good^^
derrick lost 20 bls b/c of the surgery, so all the muscles he had before look slimerXD
i tease him a lot about it

haigerda 9:08 pm
shouldn't be too hard to gain back
ah, that's evil to do

kitty meemeekoe 9:09 pm
i know:D<3

kitty meemeekoe 9:09 pm
he can't do anything for 3 months, so he's gonna get skinny:D

haigerda 9:09 pm
he has a fast metabolism?

kitty meemeekoe 9:10 pm
yup
he used to look skinner than you before he started working outXD

haigerda 9:10 pm
that's actually funny to hear
people skinner then me
absurb

kitty meemeekoe 9:12 pm
lmao^^

haigerda 9:14 pm
man, I am tired
can't sleep though

kitty meemeekoe 9:18 pm
aw that sucks:(

haigerda 9:18 pm
ah sorry
I'm just still rather bummed

kitty meemeekoe 9:18 pm
its ok
it just happened, you should still feel sad
it wouldn't be good to pretend to be happy
idk if it'd help you but

kitty meemeekoe 9:20 pm
when derrick's gone and i'm trying to sleep, i always hold mr. bonkers b/c it smells like him
if you have something that smells like her, try to sleep with it

haigerda 9:21 pm
mmmm, I'll try to find something
her house in general always smells like her
she gives off a powder kind of scent

kitty meemeekoe 9:23 pm
there you go^^ try it and see if it helps

haigerda 9:25 pm
mmm, I'm just afraid I won't let her go

kitty meemeekoe 9:26 pm
its hard, and it'll take a long time
but for now, that one thing might help you sleep

kitty meemeekoe 9:27 pm
don't worry about when you'll feel better or if you'll let her go. its just too soon for anything
maybe saturday will help with that, maybe not, but it's ok if it takes you a few months or a whole year

haigerda 9:29 pm
mmmm, yeah I hope it'll just be all ok

haigerda 9:30 pm
her family though
I don't know how to help for them

kitty meemeekoe 9:33 pm
they lost their baby girl, it's going to take longer for their wound to heal. it depends on the family for what the b/f should do
some would like the b/f to mourn with them
others might prefer to be on their own
but its good to let them know how special she was to you and that you're there if they need to talk

haigerda 9:34 pm
ah, I did told them that
until things calm down, it'll be cleaer
clearer

kitty meemeekoe 9:36 pm
and that's all you can do for now. don't worry, if there's something, they'll let you know^^
being there for the funeral, i think, would be the thing they'd need next

haigerda 9:36 pm
very much

kitty meemeekoe 9:40 pm
i gotta go help derrick, he just go off work^^

haigerda 9:40 pm
alright

goodbye heather

2011-07-07T15:56:00.000-07:00

heather had cystic fibrosis and died this morning. she had been dating hai for a bit. hai decides he's going to talk to me:

haigerda 5:16 pm
so, I'm saying hey

kitty meemeekoe 5:17 pm
hey, i know you're probibly not doing too well

haigerda 5:17 pm
not awhole lot
but I have no regrets

kitty meemeekoe 5:17 pm
its good to not have regrets

haigerda 5:18 pm
she'd want it that way. there's a good reason why she opened her heart to me and no one else
in terms of romantically

kitty meemeekoe 5:19 pm
i'm sure she did have good reasons
i wish i could've talked to her, but she was already in the hospital when i did message her

kitty meemeekoe 5:20 pm
but i'm sure she would've said a lot of good things about you 2 being together and looking forward to mecha^^

haigerda 5:21 pm
yeah, her first time at a con. we would have done some really dumb things

kitty meemeekoe 5:21 pm
heheh i bet^^
i was gonna surprise her with a blair cosplay since i found out we were the same size^^

haigerda 5:22 pm
lol yeah, pretty rare to find someone that small
though she hates it, lol
she had to make all adult related cloth since they don't have those kinds in her size

haigerda 5:22 pm
I just
find it funny being 5'2 and 74 lbs

kitty meemeekoe 5:23 pm
i'm sure she didn't like being called tiny, but was glad she wasn't huge:D

haigerda 5:23 pm
she tries to look like she's over 20

kitty meemeekoe 5:24 pm
man we really were almost the same size:D
i probibly have more muscle though

haigerda 5:25 pm
ah yeah, she couldn't do many endurance related things

kitty meemeekoe 5:25 pm
yup

haigerda 5:25 pm
though she tried since having cf, it's encouraging

kitty meemeekoe 5:25 pm
yeah, its a really stupid common recessive gene.

haigerda 5:26 pm
yeah......the life to live with it is harsh
though
I'm glad I understand how she gets through it

kitty meemeekoe 5:27 pm
love knows no chromosome, and probability knows know compassion
yeah

haigerda 5:27 pm
mmmm, very much

haigerda 5:27 pm
it's just so nice to know that
I was one of the people in her life that can draw her attention from death
she always knew she would suddenly die
I had to be aware of it also but ignore it as well

kitty meemeekoe 5:30 pm
yup its a hard burden to carry, and its great that you could be there for her

haigerda 5:31 pm
yeah.........just
pretending was so much easy with her
but you know what
keep in mind, I made her last moments to be of her being happy, and healthy
that's how she felt
she didn't have to tell me that
just looking at her smile, it was a girl who was normal
not sick

kitty meemeekoe 5:36 pm
sounds about right. she had her own glowing that made her very likable<3

haigerda 5:36 pm
it's a goofy glow for sure

kitty meemeekoe 5:37 pm
lol she was goof:D it was always epic talking to her

haigerda 5:37 pm
yeah man
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150205352941087&set=t.702826086&type=1&theater
this was our time at Best Buy
playing obnoxious MMD videos on youtube
having people stare at us like we had problems

kitty meemeekoe 5:38 pm
lol

haigerda 5:39 pm
man
she encouraged me to set my room up into a real studio
for photography

kitty meemeekoe 5:40 pm
lol really?^^

haigerda 5:40 pm
I lost the will to take photos back then
I was just aggravated with the conditions I was in
brown table, dusty, no room, etc
yeah, I fixed, clean, and trashed all my old shelves for her
my room actually looks amazing

haigerda 5:41 pm
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150236153851087&set=a.10150236039741087.326605.702826086&type=1&theater

kitty meemeekoe 5:43 pm
lol you pinned them up?^^

haigerda 5:43 pm
yeah

haigerda 5:44 pm
just about everyday I lint brush them

kitty meemeekoe 5:44 pm
i'm glad you're taking good care of them^^

haigerda 5:45 pm
still missing two so, might as well work with what I have

kitty meemeekoe 5:45 pm
so does this mean you're pessimistic mood on the world is gone?:D
lol yeah, i had canceled the order on those 2XD

haigerda 5:46 pm
yeah, I should be hateful about the world

haigerda 5:46 pm
but no, what Heather was able to experience with her last moments
it's all that makes me ignore the unfairness or unjustice this world works

kitty meemeekoe 5:48 pm
so no more hating on the "dumb people who get to have a 2nd chance" and instead saying "i'm happy they at least got the chance"?

kitty meemeekoe 5:49 pm
positive thinking leads to a happier outlook^^

haigerda 5:50 pm
mmmmm, I'm more towards
whatever guilt they live with, they'll live with it

kitty meemeekoe 5:50 pm
hmmm^^;
close enough?^^ i guess

haigerda 5:51 pm
I just look at it at a reality stand point

kitty meemeekoe 5:51 pm
at least you've become more gratful for life and some of the things in it

haigerda 5:51 pm
I rather not look being positive nor negative

kitty meemeekoe 5:52 pm
yeah i know^^;

haigerda 5:52 pm
I'm just concern about my actions and what people would want me to do

kitty meemeekoe 5:52 pm
but its good that you got to share special moments with someone very special to you^^

haigerda 5:53 pm
yeah, I'm glad too

haigerda 5:53 pm
it's why I'm very satisfied

kitty meemeekoe 5:53 pm
i gotta run:( erin needs her camera back
i'll talk to you later^^

haigerda 5:54 pm
alright, later

so this is after he's don't posting all this "i'll miss you" posts on fb. i notice only 2 other friends link post heather, and he has over 6. what's that word people use when someone's using the death of a loved one for their own gain? yeah, it feels like that to me, mainly b/c she was very openly loving to me, gabby, and aeion, yet he says she only opened and fully loved him, as in for her whole life. your thoughts?

i'm just going to be normal to him, i'm not changing a thing.

so he got a new one

2011-06-21T18:39:00.000-07:00

i'm finally back home from the hospital b/c derrick'll be with his parents out of town till he's better. i look oh fb and check on gabby. she's tired of rehab but she'll keep trying. then out of habit i look at hai's. he made a status:"I describe my girlfriend to someone. They think she's a blow up doll" but it's just one of gabby's friends. which has me confused cause i thought she understood how he treated gabby. i guess we'll see how he treats this one.

i'm done with people

2011-06-15T02:28:00.000-07:00

people used to not know too much when i was upset. it was pretty hard to see me even frown. then i got a lot more friends that i loved very much. i started to talk about my family and how i felt about it, and they listened. it felt nice to be heard. i got someone special in my life, so i felt i should share more to them. it then moved to my friends. i moved and got more friends, they met a very different kitty. i got my heart broke. i wanted to talk, but it felt wrong to complain about it to every single one of my friends. so i told very few at first, then told a few others, then a few others. then more things happened that hurt too much. i found out most of the people i thought were my friends either only said so b/c of the guy i dated and the others only wanted more dirt on him. some friends left a bit later b/c i didn't meet their time requirement of telling them everything about it and hanging out with them more.

i wouldn't have minded the whole break up and him trying to crawl back but then push me away if only my "friends" hadn't freaked out so much. i had my first taste of drama, and it made me sick. i tried to save the friends. i groveled, apologized, and offered to tell them everything, but i only got their shell.

more things happened with another friend, i tried but it failed anyway. i started to tell all my friends everything that was wrong to make sure i didn't miss their required time on it, and so no one felt left out. i just found myself complaining to everyone all the time.

i found the people who are my actual friends, and it still hurts so bad. thinking on it just makes me want to go back to never talking again. and i think i will. i never believed in sharing your problems with everyone, it just makes you a complainer. instead, i'll trust my love and words with my close friends. to everyone else: "i don't need anyone b/c everyone forgot me."

its back to old kitty. it was fun actually expressing my true self to everyone, but it reminded me of how cruel people.

there's a reason few people know my name. there's a reason that people used to not know about my family. there's a reason i never shared my opinions on things. there's a reason people don't see me cry. here's a reason i have a fake smile on all the time. there's a reason i'm never truly me. i never got hurt, anyone could talk to me and be my friend, i was always fun to be around, and people could never find a good reason to hate me.

i'll be the real kitty this time, and its not b/c i want to become the old me. i've been reminded of why i was me, and this time will be different. i'll be the real me to those who have my trust, but i'll never forget this and start handing out my trust to everyone.

i've always hated humanity, but now i hate the individual people in it even more.

jenna rose

2011-05-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

its so funny...i remember being in choir in middle school, and a lot of the students in choir sounded amazing. many of them sounded better than jenna rose, yet i keep seeing "jenna lovers" yell at "jenna haters" saying that the "jenna haters" have no talent and wished they had an ounce of jenna's. i'm pretty such the students from my choir don't like her and i know that jenna would wish she had an ounce of their talent. so where's those students' music videos? answer: not everyone is a kiss ass. not everyone has rich parents.

what i have to say for all the "jenna lovers" is that just b/c you kiss her ass doesn't mean she's going to do anything for you. wishful 10-14 year old girls are still thinking if they back her that they'll be famous, though...

i don't like rebecca's friday, but at least that girl showed she wasn't an egoistical bitch and could laugh with everyone on how bad her video was. jenna rose instead chose to show everyone who didn't like her that she was better than them. this "i'm better than you and you know it" attitude is what has everyone pissed off the most, i think. its why i just don't like her as a person, actor, singer, or dancer.

trying to describe myself

2011-03-30T14:16:00.000-07:00

i love the lyrics to some songs, and sometimes it feels like they're saying something i want to say. like trying to describe myself back in grade school it was always these two songs:

My World Lyrics
by:Avril Lavigne

Please tell me what is taking place,
Cause I can't seem to find a trace,
Guess it must've got erased somehow,
Probably cause I always forget,
Everytime someone tells me their name,
It's always gotta be the same.
(In my World)
Never wore cover-up,
Always beat the boys up,
Grew up in a 5000 population town,

You know I always stay up without sleepin',
And think to myself,
Where do I belong forever,
In whose arms, the time and place?

I never spend less than an hour,
Washin' my hair in the shower,
It always takes 5 hours to make it straight,
So I'll braid it in a zillion braids,
Though it may take all friggen day,
There's nothin' else better to do anyway.

When you're all alone in the lands of forever,
Lay under the milky way,
On and on it's getting too late out,
I'm not in love this time this night.

[Chorus:]
Can't help if I space in a daze,
My eyes tune out the other way,
I may switch off and go in a daydream,
In this head my thoughts are deep,
But sometimes I can't even speak,
Would someone be and not pretend? I'm off again in my World

Can't help if I space in a daze,
My eyes tune out the other way,
I may switch off and go in a daydream,
In this head my thoughts are deep,
But sometimes I can't even speak,
Would someone be and not pretend? I'm off again in my World

most of the time when i was alone at home this song always rang:

Anything But Ordinary Lyrics
by:Avril Lavigne

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Let down your defences
Use no common sense
If you look you will see
that this world is a beautiful
accident turbulent suculent
opulent permanent, no way
I wanna taste it
Don't wanna waste it away

Is it enough?
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

and then i went to mecha con, and i met him.

i'm shaken but back

2011-03-19T16:07:00.000-07:00

what a mess i've been through this past year....my friend sent me a song that screamed the beautiful chaos that blossomed my new love. Orianthi sings According to you:

According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless
I can't do anything right
According to you I'm difficult, hard to please
Forever changing my mind

I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time
Even if it would save my life
According to you, according to you

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you

According to you I'm boring, I'm moody
And you can't take me any place
According to you I suck at telling jokes
'Cause I always give it away

I'm the girl with the worst attention span
You're the boy who puts up with that
According to you, according to you

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/o/orianthi-lyrics/according-to-you-lyrics.html ]
He can't get me out of his head
According to him I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you

I need to feel appreciated
Like I'm not hated, oh no
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad, you're making me dizzy

But according to me you're stupid, you're useless
You can't do anything right

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it
Baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you, you
According to you, you

According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless
I can't do anything right

don't want to be "that" kinda g/f

2010-03-27T12:31:00.000-07:00

i can't stand watching a lot of tv now days, but on the times i do sit and flip the channel away from the usual, i'll see all these mean girls hating their b/f, or wifes yelling at their husbands over simple little things. all i can say to it is,"god, i hope i never act like that." threw out this year and a half relationship, i'm proud to say i haven't acted that way as far as i know. many friends, though, tell me i should get mad at the things he says or does, whenever i ask them what i should do. it's confusing and frustrating at times, b/c i don't what to seem like a crazy bitch, but sometimes the little things he does or says really do hurt. i love hearing my friends comments to these things when i tell them about something bugging me. it makes me feel like i'm being the "bigger" or "controlled" person in these situations, b/c i either choose to ignore what he does or simply laugh at it or make a joke of it, instead of being mushy or angry about it. i think sometimes that's a good thing, but i also worry if that might become a "turn off" or an undesired quality for him. i don't want to seem like a doormat, so sometimes i tell him that it hurt me or whatever, but then it turns into a problem later on. he won't get real mad or anything, but you can tell it bugged him that i said something, b/c he'll either say,"oh forget it, i don't want to make you upset" to something that might be important for me to know, or make a very mean joke about it. so then, once again, i question if i was being unreasonable, picked the wrong battle, or just shouldn't say anything at all.

however, i don't want to make him seem evil. he's not like this all the time, i just happen to type about these bad things that go through my mind more often than all the good things he does. he visited me tuesday night, right after my last few posts, and he was amazing. he was what i fell in love with. so sweet and saying the best things to make my heart go squee. it was like he never said the mean things he did before. i didn't dress up for him, but it was like he didn't care. while i was cooking for him, he kept coming over and hugging up on me and complimenting the things i was doing and the way i was looking. it was extremely fun having him over, and although i told myself i wasn't going to get all over him b/c of the things he said before, i couldn't help myself. i hugged and cuddled him the whole time i was there.

i guess what my conclusion is:

is that long ago he told me he was mean to the people he had the most crush on. so in a way, i should at least be happy that this seems to be true with me.
he still calls me pretty and girlfriend, so since he's in love with this manga char. named "girlfriend", it's a very good thing.
he's best friend told me i beat the year mark, which apparently few girls have done. the longest was his first g/f with 4 years, and the shortest was like a month or two with some girl his friend knows nothing about. since i'm at a year and a half and i'm friends with many of his good friends, i'm guessing i'm in good shape for staying in his interest for another year or so.
hai tells me many times he feels very strongly for me b/c he can talk to me as if i was one of his guy friends and i can understand his interests real well.
he also tells me i have the perfect body type and that i should never change it, which is good b/c not many girls around 19 and up have this small, little girl body and a flat chest. i never thought i'd be so happy to be so chestless.
hai often tells me, when discussing style, clothing, or hair, that i have very good potential for the style i want to dress as, so i'm assuming this adds to the interest he has in me and that he'll help me look for things i like when i have the time and money for it.

all in all, i think this relationship is ok, and i'm just being a stupid girl in over thinking everything. its hard to not do that, though, cause i'm not good at talking to people online. i need to see the other person's face and hear the tone in their voice in order to have my real good convos. so since we'll go 2 or more weeks without seeing each other, or webcaming since he can't do it with his current laptop, my brain does crazy shit to me during that inb/t time apart, so i end up worrying or getting hurt more. distant relationships are hard, and it really requires mature and lax people. he saw that in me at the beginning, and i felt that way until i guess feb 14th. realizing how boring i've gotten i guess got me all worked up and worried, and his latest comments didn't help at all. i guess being away from all my friends have effected me more than i realized. this holiday is what i need.

~"surround myself with friends and laugh up the world."~kitty

urgh

2010-03-22T15:56:00.000-07:00

i don't know what's gotten into hai, but lately he's been going back and forth from being sweetie to being a jerk.

HAIGER DA (5:07:07 PM):	bleh
HAIGER DA (5:09:07 PM):	ugh
HAIGER DA (5:09:12 PM):	girls that are born in 1995
HAIGER DA (5:09:21 PM):	don't look like they were born in 1995
meemeekoe (5:12:18 PM):	yeah^^
HAIGER DA (5:12:35 PM):	eric thinks
HAIGER DA (5:12:37 PM):	what I just said
HAIGER DA (5:12:38 PM):	was creepy
meemeekoe (5:12:48 PM):	lol
meemeekoe (5:12:54 PM):	well yeah
meemeekoe (5:12:58 PM):	i remember mecha
meemeekoe (5:13:24 PM):	every girl i talked to looked older than me but was around 15
HAIGER DA (5:13:49 PM):	yeah, that's definitely right
meemeekoe (5:14:00 PM):	hahah^^
HAIGER DA (5:14:35 PM):	ah
HAIGER DA (5:14:45 PM):	I remember when I thought you were one of them
meemeekoe (5:15:04 PM):	heheh^^
meemeekoe (5:15:16 PM):	they thought i was younger than them
meemeekoe (5:15:26 PM):	so they babied me^^
HAIGER DA (5:15:41 PM):	yeah, I remembered, lol
HAIGER DA (5:15:50 PM):	hhhhhhnnnnnnnnngggggggg
HAIGER DA (5:15:53 PM):	stupid memories :(
meemeekoe (5:15:57 PM):	oh you saw that?^^
HAIGER DA (5:16:00 PM):	you were so hot back then :(
meemeekoe (5:16:07 PM):	^^;
HAIGER DA (5:17:38 PM):	I didn't want anyone to date me either, lol
meemeekoe (5:18:03 PM):	aw^^
HAIGER DA (5:18:36 PM):	I was a weird person :(
meemeekoe (5:18:49 PM):	so whenever i dress up now, i'm not pretty?^^
HAIGER DA (5:19:24 PM):	............. :(
HAIGER DA (5:19:29 PM):	don't make me answerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
meemeekoe (5:19:40 PM):	oh so i'm not
HAIGER DA (5:19:52 PM):	not as pretty as the first time :(
HAIGER DA (5:20:06 PM):	still pretty now :3
meemeekoe (5:21:22 PM):	^^
meemeekoe (5:21:32 PM):	at least i'm kinda pretty
HAIGER DA (5:21:36 PM):	lol
HAIGER DA (5:23:09 PM):	so pretty back then :3
meemeekoe (5:25:37 PM):	what about when you saw me in lc?
HAIGER DA (5:25:57 PM):	I thought you were normal, ahahaahah
meemeekoe (5:26:15 PM):	even when i dressed up?
HAIGER DA (5:28:16 PM):	you looked better the first time :3
meemeekoe (5:28:57 PM):	well at least you're still willing to date me till i have time to dress up
HAIGER DA (5:29:06 PM):	:3 idk if i should be sad about it or go,"shrug".....maybe it's b/c my clothes arn't expressing me like they were at mecha con.

a long talk

2010-03-19T00:46:00.000-07:00

well, i was quite right on thinking he had a problem with me, only the problems turned out to be stupid little things and one selfish thing. he thought i was upset when he'd talk about pretty girls. i'd pick at him, saying he liked them more. i was only joking. then, he thought i liked things he showed me just b/c he liked it. now that's just plain stupid. i'm not going to lie to get him to like me. i already know he likes me for me. so i shouldn't put on an act. well, then came the selfish bit where he basically told me gabby is way prettier than me and wished i'd try more.

i'm not mad at him...but damn, it took forever for him to speak his mind, and during that time, i was thinking he had actual issues with me. i mean really, why say something's bugging you but you don't want to hurt my feelings so you won't say anything? that just makes me think of horrible things that might not even be the problem. and that's what pisses me off the most. speak your god damn mind on something you bring up, or just suck it up and never hint on it. if you hint, then you must explain, b/c i'm not stupid and i know it's not nothing. i love him too much to tell him this, though, so i guess i'll just suck it up until he does it again. man, i never thought he was such a high maintenance boyfriend. i have to word thing carefully and have to explain the simplest things to him... i guess this is just his flaw, and i can easily live with it.

emails

2010-03-18T18:41:00.000-07:00

i decided to go back and read the first emails i got from hai. i could feel how i felt and how easy it was for me to be fun and make people feel loved. i started to cry, though, because i started to miss being me. i miss having people love me on the spot and hug me back. i miss becoming friends easily with the people who thought they wanted to be alone. then i started to get scared. hai complimented me on so many things that i don't think i still have. i'm worried i'll bore him or seem like just another girl who doesn't get him. it's been a year and half since we started dating, and i'm not sure how much he expects me to know him....i know he loves music games, coordinating outfits, reading online forms... i know he wishes he lived in california, he's irritated that there's only a few people in louisiana he can talk to about the things he loves... i know he loves girls who are small and flat-chested, i know he loves sun dresses and stockings, i know he likes girls who have fun but are mature, i know he likes girls that can be logical about things.... i know he likes certain figurines and j-core songs, i know he loves kors k, red alice, no+chin, and others that i can't spell or remember too well b/c the names are too long... i know he loves touhou, and people that hold good conversations... i know he hates people that complain about things that can be easily fixed, he's scared of water, and hates when things go wrong.

that's all i can think of right now, but i don't know if that's enough or if i'm missing out on other things he likes. idk if he'll drop me b/c i don't find those things out. i don't want him to lose interest or get annoyed with me. i want to do good in school, but now i really want to see him so i can just see he still loves me too. i don't want to seem like one of those weird girls that cling for dear life, though, so i don't want to tell him any of this. i guess this is the part that's hard about long distant relationships. you just don't know what the other is thinking or feeling, so when you see them, you accidently drown them in too much love. i just don't want to scare him away since now he's not scared of losing me.

thinking

2010-02-23T23:30:00.000-08:00

once i tried to think about my future, i couldn't see me living older than 28. for a short bit, i was even thinking i wouldn't reach 20 at the state i was in. now i'm a little more than two months from being two decades old. i'm still having problems getting past 28, but i know for sure i wouldn't have made it if hai hadn't chosen me to be his girl instead of someone else. i know as long as i have him, i'll be ok, but i worry for when i'll lose him. i want to cherish him now, but it's hard with distance and school in the way. we keep reassuring each other we're not going to leave each other, and all i can do is hope he means it as much as i do. i feel more sure he won't now days, b/c of the things he'll do. he often wants to sit and cuddle for hours, especially when he has to leave that day. he'll also do things to try to get my attention, like hitting he's bruises and cuts so i'll fuss at him to stop and kiss him. he doesn't hurt himself for real, but if i ignore it, he'll start saying ow, or put a sad pouty face on. i think it's so cute that he wants my attention so much.=^^= ...i've also been thinking about how funny it is that more than half my thoughts lead to hai. used to, all my thoughts were on my stories. i never knew people could distract you so much.

inconvenient dream

2010-02-22T18:50:00.000-08:00

i had a dream while hai was visiting. i remember being next to a pool, then in the pool. there a woman handed me her baby and i tried to feed it.(*ahem* the natural way=-_-=) then i left the pool, baby in arm, to go somewhere else. i ended up at my mame's living room. there, i found out the baby was mine. it was so... bitter sweet in a way. i remember how i knew i was going to rise a kid if i ever had one. however, i was also so angry at it for existing, at least at that moment. it would mean college to fail, and so would the hope of a cozy life. what was uneasy for me, though besides the inconvenience of it all, i didn't think once about hai. i only thought of him for a sec after hearing the baby was mine, and that was only b/c he was the cause of it. when i woke up, i was so relieved. looking at hai, it didn't seem so bad of a dream, but i think that's only b/c i could never be upset around him unless he was mad at me.

brain hurts

2010-02-20T22:03:00.000-08:00

my brain feels so dragged right now. i know i need to study, but getting to do it is somehow hard. i know i'ma procrastinator, but this is bad, even for me. maybe i need that med they adv to pep you up during girly time. idk. thinking of filming a few things to post on facebook real quick to tied people over for a bit longer. i mean, i got everything for the next lang. vid, but editing isn't done(for the past 3 weeks it could have been done) and i have to study... hai's too distracting, and i'm having to beat my new BR friends off with a stick. who knew they be so frick'n clingy. i was clingy, but damn, these people won't stop calling... so that's my excuse of why it's not done. and since i'm into slender man, i've been seeing things that'd i'd like to film and edit into something resembling it. might wake up early tomorrow to do it then post it for people....might make it...yeah...i got a real good idea^^

missing some one person

2010-01-21T15:50:00.000-08:00

its funny how just one person can say one little thing and it somehow frustrates you so much that you just want to fail all your classes and not even care. i was starting to feel so happy and now my chest feels heavy again. i don't think i'll ever improve until i graduate and move away with someone special. that'll be the happiest day, but unfortunately i know all my important friends will cry and miss me too much. hopefully the internet will soften the blow for them. i think it's silly to get so upset over a person living farther away from you. we have things like cameras and facebook that lets us show each other we're okay and how our look has changed or stayed the same. some other friends i have thought i was a cold bitch because i didn't cry when some people moved away. so you miss being near them, but it's not like they're dieing. the chance for you seeing that person at least has a percentage, to where if they died, you'd have to wait till you die also and then pray you land in the same space as them in order to be with them again. i think it's slightly silly how some people become so attached to other people. i think it's funny how attached i've become to hai, but i have. so i'm not saying i don't miss people and those that do are being retarded...i'm just saying don't cry over it too much, because it'll just waste your time. i promise i'm going to be moving far away, and i hope it will be with hai.

mom's so mean

2010-01-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

it's as if every time she knows i'm really happy she has to do something to put me in a downer. i'm not even fully sure i understand why she went off on me yesterday, but it ended 4 hours later. by then the subject had changed so much i can't even count how many things she was pissed about. it's been around 6 months since the last time this has happened. i'm glad i had such a long break, but it brought back so many horrible thoughts i had figured i was through with. my brain eventually landed on chance again. its been about a year and a half since he was put down, and i thought i was done crying over it, but now my chest is hurting again. he always made it better when things seemed so bad. i could be crying my eyes out and wishing i'd never been born, but after being outside with him for a bit i'd always pull it together. he always knew when i was upset, even when i didn't show it. he wouldn't eat and just sit next to me, and if that didn't help he'd look up into my eyes and cry with me or rub up on me to let me know he cared. he kept my sanity, he filled me with patience, he gave me enough strength to keep going, even if i didn't want to. now that he's gone, i feel like everything that was good about me left with him. i'm finding myself losing interest in everything, one at a time. i don't even talk like i usually do. my friends tell me i sound deeper, and while i try to get my pep back, i'm finding it harder and harder to even get out of bed. aaron is even telling me i'm becoming more human now days. this isn't like me at all. i used to pride myself on everything i do. now i could care less of what people think of me. i miss loving everyone and finding interest in the simplest of things. i'm worried whether or not i'll be able to go back to my normal self. i don't like being mopey and weird. i guess the first step would be to try to use my normal voice again and stop eating in front of people. the next step would be to get up early in the morning again. i used to get up at 3 or 4 every morning and read till around 6 or 7. the next step would be to start picking shiny things up off the ground and carrying around hand sanitizer again. a harder step will be me having to talk less and stop sharing so many opinions and dirty jokes. i'll then have to daydream more and draw all my thoughts again. i also need to take long walks while listening to music. the last main step would be to share my love more often with people and be more happy and bouncy around them, even when i don't feel up to it. thinking back, i used to be such a strong and amazing person, and i can understand why so many people fell in love with her and always enjoyed being around her. she never shared much, but what she did share was always important. i miss her so much, i just hope i don't disappoint her along the way.

organization

2010-01-04T01:03:00.000-08:00

it's funny how you can start the year off all organized and clean. you have a spot for everything to go, and you tell yourself, "this time. this time i will keep it this way." you're very confident about this and even want time to speed up so you can watch it remain in the right place. but what happens? later that year you find yourself putting things in places they weren't meant to stay in for too long, then never really find their way back into order. at the end of the year you can't even recognized the old way you had set things. the new year comes and you organize everything all over again, and again you tell yourself in false hope it'll stay this neat.

video frenzy

2010-01-03T00:28:00.000-08:00

i've decided to try an idea that's been floating around my brain for quite some time. this idea is to basically become a pretend teacher for different languages. i talked to some good people and got ideas for the vids, but my video edit skills are near zero and i've no program to help me out. if someone knows a lot and can guild me, i'd be thrilled. the point of this is to mainly help myself become confident in speaking this languages since writing and reading it can only bring you oh so far. plus, i figured it'd be fun to show my friends my progress and get comments from them. hell, it might even help some start learning. i only worry about scary criticism in the form of long, over-worded smart talk from those who think they know the stuff best. i'm not opposed to corrections or anything, but some people do tend to be a bit too snippy and picky and take the fun out of it. i've got 3 people who think it's great, and 2 of those are extremely excited.^^ this fills me with momentum to the point i want to start now, but it's 2:73 am.... i want to get my friends involved in this too somehow, i think they'd have so much fun doing it with me. i just wish i had the guts to ask more people about this.

feeling restless

2009-12-30T01:08:00.000-08:00

being sick for x-mas wasn't fun b/c i've been wanting to see so many pplz before i leave for BR again. i finally got to go to the doctor, so i'm hoping to be up and running fri. hai has been very open about how much he loves and misses me, so i've been in a good mood with that. he's begging me to go to BR fri so we can be together sat. i want to so bad, but i do want to get better first. i think its so sweet and cute how he's been so depressed over not seeing me for so long. it helps tell me how important to him i still am.^^ his ex lexi actually talked to me on fcebook today. it wasn't much, just a hey, but she was still nice. hai told me she was crazy, but when i look at the pics of her all i can think about is how hot she is. i mean, she's reall really REALLY hot. dare i say, she's hotter than rachel and kirsten combined.@@ i'm glad she friended me on facebook, b/c i really want to be her friend.^^ however, it still makes me so curious of why lexi and hai broke up. was she too hyper for him or something? idk, i want to ask so many questions, but i don't think hai will tell me. i'm not jealous or scared that he's ex's might steal him back, i'm just curious of hai's past. i love finding things out about him. i wish i knew more about his family, or at least meet them, but i'm sure that'll happen within the next 2 years.

i hope hai stays with me for a long time. he still seems as interested in me as when we first went out. he told me i was sexy as hell when i told him i didn't get to work out this holiday. he even bought me some sexy clothes to wear for x-mas. sometimes i wish i could just get inside his brain and read his thoughts about me, but i'm sure every couple wants to do that.

icarly

2009-12-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

i hate a lot of tv shows nowa days. i mainly stick with documentaries and stand-up, but even those are getting a bit too idiotic for even me. for the past 3 days, though, i've been watching icarly. i know, "wth are you thinking kitty?", but wait. the show does annoy me a bit, but i can't help but think that the carly girl reminds me of rachel and the blonde crazy girl(sam?) reminds me of crazy chelsea. idk why, but it makes me happy watching them have fun and crazy moments mixed with showing crazy blonde's uber powers of skill every once in a while. i guess it's b/c it reminds me of all the great and crazy awsome moments i've had with julie. yeah sure, we've gotten into some tight spots where i've come close to getting in trouble, and julie's come close to way worse, but i remember those times that way, right? i guess my problem is that i miss getting into all of that adventureness added with the jokes that only we would ever truly laugh at. she's growing up, and i sorta am, too, but i still feel left behind.

bad feelings make me feel sick

2009-11-19T19:46:00.000-08:00

i'm trying hard, but it feels like i'm going nowhere. i'm really upset about it cause i used to be so good in school and now i'm having to ask for help. i have a test monday, but my friend helping me is going home. i'm driving him there, but i don't want to bug him with math while he's at home, so i have to figured this stuff out myself. i'm really scared now, b/c i have to do really good on this test, but i don't think i'll make it. i'm also getting really tired of some of my really smart friends. it feels like they're always looking down at me now, so i'm feeling myself getting really angry. even when they're being nice i still feel mad, so i feel really horrible for feeling this way.

i'm really upset today b/c i went to a movie with mel where there were some math and spanish major people attending. this was b/c the movie was supposed to be about smart things while also being a thriller and it was done in spanish. i thought it was cool and i saw mel was excited, so i was excited to. we got there and there were a few others waiting. jerome and his friend show up and we start talking and listening to others talk. there was a guy there that was nicknamed the club's "lawyer", and he asked around who was in which major. he got to me and i said biology b/c i didn't feel like saying marine biology and getting "the look". well, he heard this and had a face that said,"what the fuck are you doing here?" and mel said i was his guest. it was too late though, cause i already felt labeled as the dumb chick wanting so go see a free movie. getting into the movie room, the guy sat behind us then lend toward me and said,"so you don't know math or spanish...how do you expect to understand this movie?" as if we were watching something so hard to understand. the fucking movie was described as enigma. did he even understand what that word meant? enigma means really difficult puzzle basically, and you can solve a lot of them without math. i couldn't really say anything back except,"yeah, but i can still enjoy a good movie." which wasn't a good response. at the time i wasn't that mad, but it just ate at me, so now i'm very pissed. getting to the dorm i tried to talk to mel about the movie, but after a bit i felt like i kept getting run over by his,"yeah but...." so i started to get more annoyed. at the dorm there were freshmen being mesmerized by two girls making ice cream with liquid nitrogen and asking stupid questions, so i started to feel a bit better. however, going to the room where aaron was just made things worse. i feel like he's always thinking i'm so stupid while mel helps me with math, so i just don't feel like being near him anymore. kaylyn came to the room and asked for me to bring her home, but wouldn't listen to me when i asked to just pick her up whenever she gets to her dorm, so that sent me over the edge. i was too mad to do cal in front of aaron and i just wanted to go home. while mel walked me out he saw how mad i was. i wasn't mad at him, i'm just angry at the fact that things are getting to me so easily now days and i can't seem to get this math shit done in time for monday's test. with him gone this weekend i know i'm going to just get mad at myself for not understanding it and just cry myself to sleep like i've been doing, and this fact just makes me feel worse than i already do.

food

2009-11-12T22:46:00.000-08:00

i need to get a hold of some good recipes for next semester. sure i love making the things i make, but i love branching out. if anyone has one to suggest, please post it on facebook.^^

so quiet

2009-11-12T22:34:00.000-08:00

i don't know if something is wrong. my brain has been so quiet latly. even while listening to music, it seems like it just washes over me. it's not that i need new music or things to do, i just feel a bit dull in the brain for some weird reason. i hope it goes away soon, cause its starting to annoy me. i think i'm just slowing down to fit in with the pplz around me, since they seem to be this uneventful. a big injection of uber pplz is what i need right about now, but with finals coming up close, i trip to them is impossible. the only thing i can hope for is one more visit from hai before the long break comes. i most likly won't see him for two months, and i know how much that'll suck. well, perhaps it'll make him more lovey the next time i see him. i'm also dreding the time coming when i finally have to go home and be with mom again. the distance was so nice that i really don't want to leave it. besides, with my sis being back home, it'll be twice as much hell. i hope next semester goes better.

languages in succession

2009-11-01T21:10:00.000-08:00

talking with friends about learning languages sparks my enthusiasm once more. what am i learning now? french and japanese. problem? college saps my time from me. i've also beengetting into the show ni-hao kai-lan, which teaches chinese. talking with one friend not too long ago made me want to learn spanish also. i'm hoping i can learn these 4 languages together andget them out of the way before 2011 is over. at the rate i'm currently going, i should at least be able to sound like a kindergardener in each by the end of august. after this? russian. after that? hm, depends on what i feel like doing.

photos

2009-10-30T01:26:00.000-07:00

playing with fake glasses is phun....unless you're a dick and can't take the phun like some people i could name...make-up can be phun too...

the brick wall

2009-10-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

when i make a friend, i don't act at all like how my true self is. i stay quiet and polite and try not to cuss or make weird jokes. i always try to test the water first before i determine what kind of friend that person looks for. in doing this, i've made over 200 friends of all kinds. latly, though, i've been letting down my wall more and more. in doing this, i've mistaken simple friends for good friends. recently, i've been openning myself to two friends, but this hasn't went well. it went so bad with one friend, that it reminded me of why i acted the way i did with pplz. the other friend just awkwardly looked around as i talked; w/o a reaction to my words, i just feel stupid. i feel like i've lost myself somehow. it was always my thing to keep myself separate from others while others enjoyed knowing me. i guess once you find a few real true friends and someone that truly cares for you, you forget and assume everyone else follows suit. it just hurts me deeply to rediscover this after having so many good years. my wall of 17 years was broken, but b/c of this past month, i've decided to build it back up. it seems people like me more that way anyways, so what's the harm?

the love gets stronger from here.

2009-10-19T00:30:00.000-07:00

my b/f surprised me again one friday night with a visit. normally the excitement of him being there ends the moment after we shower and cuddle; his computer calls to him and all i can do is paw at his legs for attention. this time, though, it was different. he would kiss me hard and hold me close. i usually wake up and he's turned away, but now i awake locked in his arms. if i move at all, he stirs and hugs me closer. i actually feel more loved this past month. his comments to me and his friends make me smile b/c they'll always be compliments. i can really see myself staying with him for a really long time, and i hope we do.

hanging out with groups of friends

2009-10-15T19:01:00.000-07:00

it's funny how hanging out with one group of friends differs so much compared to another group of friends. i remember hanging out with julie and the smokers. we'd sit at kd's or someone's house for a bit exchanging until someone slams they fist on the table with a look of excitement in their eyes. "dude! we should..." and so begins a night of fun and extreme adventures. now, a different group, lets say matt's group, has a far different feel. this usually begins with me traveling to matt's house and stealing his food...then, anthony followed by the rest of the group will waddle into his house. this night normally consists with me filming their many hours of hilarious multi-player gaming. the night then ends with and round of the mall, books-a-million, then finally kd's. nothing exciting or extreme, but it gives me a ton of laughter pure from the insides. harrison's group, on the other hand, takes yet another turn. it is rare, first of all, for me to hang out with this group. however, once in a blue moon, or if i run into them on the sidewalk, a few or all of the group will join together for a snore fest. not to be mean, but compared to the other groups, i find the feeling of fun to be somewhere's else. they're good people, and on the occasion will come out will a funny situation. the fun i find with them, though, is not shared with them. i usually sit back and watch what they do and say. some of the things that come out of their mouth, or some of the logic they try to apply to some situations, makes my brain fill with laughter. it funny watching them try to figure out how to make something work the way they want it to. however, most of the time spent with them consists with them sitting or standing around in silence, then someone says,"we need to go somewhere's and do something." this is followed by,"yeah, we should. i'm bored." then...more sitting or standing in silence. this drives me crazy, especially if i know i could be doing something more productive at that time or be in a more comfortable place. i have several other groups of friends, but that is for a different post for a different day. i love all my friends very much in there own way, part of this love and interest is from seeing how different groups of people are and having them let you hang out with them as if you were part of just that group.^^

the new is feeling old...

2009-10-11T11:09:00.000-07:00

moving to baton rouge was supposed to be so exciting...two months in and i'm bore like i was back where i used to live. only here...here it's somehow become even more dull. i honestly didn't think i could become more bore. however, now i see how much fun i was having, how much love i was getting, how happy i was to get out of bed and drive to the mall just to walk around. that's because back at home, i couldn't go 5 mins out in public without bumping into someone i knew. here, i go out and feel so alone in that unfamiliar crowd. i've made friends, don't get me wrong, but the ones i've made here arn't exciting to be with, you know? i have to cencer what i say around them. i'm no good at cerncering anymore, that went out the door freshmen year of high school. that was the day i met julie. from then on, i spoke my mind. everyone i was friends with before said i was changing to try to copy julie, but i wasn't. i just knew they'd never understand my jokes, not like julie did. so me going back to before high school is impossible for me. i need to find somegood friends here. fast.

procrastination

2009-10-09T17:41:00.000-07:00

what is it that makes you say, "i'll have enough time to do it tomorrow,"? i could've been done with all my work if i'd have done it two weeks ago, but all i can do is sit and think of how it could've been. then, i'll start thinking of all the work i'll get done in the future for awhile. i'm not sure how to fix this problem...maybe next week i'll get everything done and stay on track.

feelings of the new kind

2009-10-08T18:02:00.000-07:00

first dating my b/f was amazing. i'd stay up late not doing any homework, just staring at the screen for him to answer. he'd say the sweetest things, and i felt bubbly and fuzzy inside. he came to see me again, and i felt as though i'd die. i was so nervous and happy at the same time, and so was he. nine months pasted, he wanted to get more intemate, and i agreed. feelings changed, i noticed a feeling of uninterest in him. he began to tell me i was too playful for him. we used to spend a weekend together and play the whole time. now, it is different. after he gets his fill, he stops hugging and kissing and saying he loves me on his own. i have to get it from him, and if i do it too much, he says i'm being crazy or too hyper. i moved to be closer, i didn't pay as much attention in school to give it to him, i still do it. for what? for him to become interested in other things more than in me.
however, he still does those sweet things that make me love him. it's as if at the last second, he stops and gives me the love i need. i wonder how long we'll last.